Lyrics

You meet with jolly fellas when abroad you chance to roam
I suppose that is the reason why I seldom stay at home
In our town sometime ago another friend I found
The rarest gem I met for years who comes from Five Mile Town

I was speaking to the barber and complaining of my jaws
Says he it’s not the whiskers but the teeth that are the cause
If you call in on Tuesday night I’ve hit upon a plan
For trouble of that nature Mr Stansfield is your man

When I called with the barber and the dentist wasn’t in
I began to lose my patience and to curse I did begin
When he arrived I said old man what you been about
I’ve got some nasty molars that require hauling out

He says what is the matter to be candid I don’t know
For I’ve got some quare ones from the gums will have to go
Just wait a minute sonny until I get looking through
Depend on me I’ll quickly see what I can do for you

You have some teeth as black as coal and some are worn down
Some like the leaves in autumn they are turned a golden brown
I’ve come to the conclusion there is not a shade of doubt
The only patent for you is to have the beggars out

‘Twas then I prayed for heaven where hard working fellas go
I always dread the company and the climate down below
In grief I thought of all my friends so jovial and so kind
And I prayed for all the lady friends that I might leave

He widened my receiver with his fingers and his thumbs
Then got his little oiler and began to oil my gums
It was sharper that a British sword was made the Turks to kill
And he used it like a peeler who was hunting for a still

The little weary travellers that were resting in my hair
And got a snuff of Stansfield’s stuff they were dripping from their lair
They were shocked beyond endurance and transported from their home
And half a dozen passed away beneath my collar bone

I had a curious feeling that I couldn’t understand
While my gums were fairly fizzing like a sausage in a pan
You know that clabby relish that I won’t complain about
Has surely got a flavour I would rather do with out

The order then came left incline keep steady on the chair
I cannot work the lever ‘til your jaws are on the square
He then produced as many tools and laid them in a row
As would pull a man asunder from the muzzle to the toe

He got the tools in motion and evicted the amount
They all fell out like paving stones until I lost the count
He asked me was it painful in a voice both low and kind
I said I’ll never grumble if you leave the jaws behind

Just take a little relish son you’ll never feel the pain
And when your gums are hardened up just toddle in again
And I’ll provide you with a set will last you all your life
If she isn’t gone before you you can will them to the wife

Success to Mr Stansfield this hero of renown
A credit to the country and the pride of Five Mile Town
This enemy of toothache to you all I recommend
For after all is said and done he is the poor man’s friend