Lyrics

There was an auld lady called Mrs Moloney
She was in bed with her auld husband John
And she said I’m terribly frightened
I keep hearing strange noises every morning before dawn.

Says John don’t be frightened my darling
Because it’s only a wee mouse I’ve no doubt
And before many days I assure you
I’ll have him well caught round the snout.

So John set a trap for the raider
And he slipped it in under the bed
And he said before this time tomorrow
That bloody wee mouse he’ll be dead.

Molly was busy next morning
Sweeping and cleaning the room
Sure she popped the trap on the chamber
Intending to move it quite soon.

John he came home with a toothache
He moaned and he groaned a whole lot
So with all the fuss and confusion
The bloody auld trap was forgot.

So Molly gave a powder to soothe him
And she put him to bed with great care
And she told him all the great patience that Job had
And all the great pain he could bear.

So they both went asleep quiet and easy
But John he woke up in the night
And he went to use the chamber
And hell he got some hell of a fright.

Well the trap had closed tight on its victim
And there wasn’t a thing he could do
And he bawled and he woke all the neighbours
With one hell of a hullabaloo.

Well Molly still thinking of his toothache
She woke up in the bed with a jump
She said why the hell don’t you go to the dentist
And let him pull out that auld stump.

Well poor John there was in a predicament
He could feel his knees going weak
As he stood with a hump and a crouch
And his tongue half way out round his cheek.

The mouse he let out a squeal
And from his den he kept peeping out
And he was wondering why John he was dancing
Farting and assing about.

When Molly heard the squeak she was delighted
She began for the cheer and to clap
Oh she says goodie John
You’ve caught the wee bugger in the trap.

Says she he had me pestered
Nibbling and nosing about
And he kept me awake every night ‘til the morning
In through my drawers and out.

Said she if there was such a thing as the devil
Well he was one alright
Wasn’t he making a nest in me auld bra John
And he had my tights all full of eh, holes the dirty wee man.

Says she let him wriggle and kick in the trap all night John
Because he was one cheeky wee brat
And I the morning he’ll be well stiff
And I’ll sling him out to the cat.

Says Molly I’m glad that you caught him
And I’m very thankful for that
Why don’t you come in to bed now John
And we’ll have a wee love and a chat.

John cursed the mouse and the trap
As he stood there scratching his head
Because he knew that Molly was happy
She thought the mouse he was dead.

Molly was wondering why he didn’t come to bed
Sure she says John is that old stump still annoying you?
John says it’s not the old stump that annoys me
But I got one hell of a rap
And I’d like to see the F-ing patience that Job had
If he was caught up like me in this trap.